There is actually an upside of being just done.
I’m not talking about those times when you are mad and stomp away from a situation or when you are upset and take a break from the fight only to come back stronger. Or the catch you by surprise act of God that nothing and nobody can stop. I’m talking about that thing you care deeply and passionately about and want to fight for with everything you’ve got. And now that you have that THING in your mind…I’m talking about that moment when you need peace and the only way to get it is to simply be completely, utterly and ultimately done fighting.
If you’ve had a moment like this you know what I mean. It’s when the outcome…negative or positive is no longer your concern…you are prepared either way. It’s when your heart insulates itself from the pain and anger and frustration of the fight and you feel peace as you walk away. It’s that moment when you can say to yourself that you’ve done everything you can and it’s OK if it doesn’t work out the way you thought it should.
DETERMINED TO WIN
I have been fighting a fight for many many years that I was absolutely determined to win. I was certain that if I did this or that or changed this or that it would be the KEY to making it work out right.
There were long stretches of time that I felt an illusion of victory….then it would all come crashing down around me again and it was back to work to figure out what I had done wrong that made it fail this time around.
Four days ago I very quietly and simple said out loud, “I give up.” And I meant it. I was done.
BUCK UP LITTLE CAMPER
This is kind of a “thing” for me because being just done is not something I do. There is always a “buck up and get it done” caveat to everything in my life. You don’t get to give up and just walk away. You don’t get to throw in the towel and pass it off as unfinished and non-fixable.
And yet, as most everyone has experienced, there are simply things you cannot fix by continuing to work on it. There are things you cannot change no matter how many times you cry or beg or demand that they do. There is no magic wand to wave or magic pill to take.
Most of the time this is because whatever the situation is… it is not yours. The decision lies in the hands, head and heart of someone else and we simply don’t get to control other people. Even if their actions affect us.
As a admitted “woman who likes order and control” in her life…it is REALLY hard to admit that after all of my rational logical explanations and efforts to compromise it is still simply not.my. choice. And so I gave up the fight and handed all of it back to the person who did get to make the choice and said, “I’m done.”
THE UPSIDE TO THE DONE-SIDE
Are you wondering what is this upside to this super depressing topic?
You get to be done.
Not earth shattering news, right? But seriously. No more fighting. No more expectations left unmet. No more hoping for a different outcome. There is a simple beauty in knowing it just is what it is.
And when you realize that things are just going to be what they are you get to move past them and move on and prepare yourself for what the future might bring now that you are no longer in the fight.
So, right now I’m living with a new norm where my focus changes is on areas of my world that have been neglected.
Even though I know that my life is ultimately going to be impacted by other people’s choices and actions and even though I spent so much of my time and energy and heart fighting for what I really thought was the best thing I have found a simple peaceful beauty in being just done.